Ladies Who Lunch
by Evidence
Summary: Three shows are combined when Calleigh, Sara and Samantha have lunch to discus the men in their lives.


Title: Ladies Who Lunch 

Author: Evidence

Rating: PG

Author's Notes: This is a parody of three shows: CSI, CSI Miami, and Without a Trace.  It is only for laughs. I stole the title from a great Wings episode.  Thanks to D and A for laughing at it- hopefully you will too. 

They had chosen a nice diner to meet at.  They had met on the Internet at a site proclaiming: Lessons On How to Deal When You Love Your Boss.  So far none of the lessons had helped.  Sara had done as Lesson 2.5 had suggested: make sure you get injured during an explosion but alas her boss Grissom had refused her dinner offer.  Lesson 101 had failed Samantha as well.  She was suppose to spike ranting jealousy in Jack's heart by gaining information the old fashion way from a cop named Keller but he ended up telling his wife that "it is over".  She never liked being referred to as "it".  Calleigh was weighing her options and deciding whether or not to exact Lesson 1- kill the competition.  She had the gun picked out but didn't really want to waste a precious bullet on the likes of Yeline Santos.

It was Calleigh who suggested they meet and come up with better plans on how to deal with the men they loved.  After much debate Calleigh got them to agree to venture to a neutral location: Menarejerksville.  They sat down at Martin's Diner, Sam revealed to see that Martin Fitzgerald was not the owner.  All Martins must love food she thought.  The introductions were awkward.  Sara was unsure what to say, Sam just wanted to get on with the lunch (the clock was ticking) and Calleigh was being warm and friendly, giving hugs (which seemed to frighten Sara) and laughing about the two women's same initials.

When it was time to get down to the business at hand (Samantha faithfully reminding them that 22 minutes had passed since they received their lunches), Calleigh took charge and began.  "Okay, ladies we've got ourselves some men troubles.  First did you bring a picture of your hunky guy?"  They both nodded.  "Good, Sam why don't you start."

"I prefer Samantha unless I've known you longer than a few months or you happen to be someone I've had an affair with."  Samantha pulled out a picture from her trench coat and deposited it on the table.  The eyes of the other women were instantly glued to it.

"Well he's fine,' Calleigh said drawing out her words.

"Nice bone structure," Sara said studying the photo.

"That's Jack." Sam (Sorry) Samantha said.

"So the problem is that he's married right?" Calleigh asked.

Samantha nodded.  "Yup, to some woman either named Marie or Maria."

"Well if he has a wife already…" Sara started but noticing the Catherine-esce look from Samantha stopped.

"When did you affair start?"  Calleigh asked.

"Um…somewhere before I fixed his collar."

"And when did it end?" 

"Well he told me it was over…"

"Then what did he do?"  Sara grew interested.

"He held me to his chest."  Samantha sighed.

"You guys actually made physical contact?" Sara sat back in her chair, taking it all in.  "Whoa."

"It's so not over girl!"  Calleigh spoke patting Samantha's hand.

"Yeah that's what I thought and then he ended up walking home to his wife. He could have come to the hospital with me."

"Why were you at the hospital?"  Sara asked inspecting her drink for any fluids that should not be floating around.

"I was shot."

"Really?" Calleigh nearly jumped out of her seat. "Do you still have the bullet?"

"No.  Why?" Samantha exchanged a look with the other SS.

"Oh, I would have liked to keep it for my collection. Dang it all.  Next time your shot ask the docs to save it for me."

"Okay."  Samantha looked bewildered.  "Jack exchanged his life for mine in a hostage situation."

"Grissom would never do that for me," Sara said glumly.

"Let's see the pic of your guy." Calleigh called the waitress over and ordered another round of tap water.

Sara pulled on a glove and took from an evidence bag a photo of a man looking away from the camera.

"We can't see his face!"  Calleigh held the photo up to the light.

"No he was turned around when I snapped the picture.  He wouldn't want me to take a picture of him."

"So tell us more about this um…whatever."  Samantha urged her on.

Sara sighed.  "Oh, I wiped chalk off his cheek, we moved our heads in sync, I dated a paramedic but he wasn't my boyfriend even though I called him baby…"

"Wait a minute you called him "baby"?"  Calleigh shook her head.  "That seems out of character for you."

"Oh, I thought so too but it's been a strange year.  Then Grissom seems to have spent a night with a dominatrix…"

"You got to be kidding!"  Samantha sat back and took a look at her watch.

"Yeah it's been tough this year," Sara said, "And now I'm told to "assume nothing" whatever the hell that means."

"You have to just kiss him."  Samantha said.

"Maybe in another two years or so…we're taking it slow."

"I'd say as slow as turtles!"  Calleigh shook her head.

"Okay, now your turn."  Samantha said.

Calleigh brightly smiled as she pulled out her photo.  "Here he is."

'So what's the problem?"  Sara asked.

"We share chemistry but for some reason he would rather make some experiments with his sister-in-law."

"Sister-in-law?  And people get mad at my Jack!"  Samantha watched, as a woman walked in the door- nope not a missing person- darn it all.

"Her hubby, Horatio's brother is dead so it's not as bad but bad enough.  You must have heard of Raymond Caine."

Both women shook their heads.

"By golly that's unusual.  Everyone has either known, worked or done drugs with him."

"Drugs?"  Samantha asked.

"He was undercover or so they say."

"Not to be personal but have you made any sort of contact with your boss?"  Sara asked a blush appearing.

"Aw, no.  But give it time.  Right now I'm being set up with a detective."  She made a face.  "Why do UGLIs have to exist?"

"Just to torment various people who like strong, smart women," Sara said reflecting.

"So ladies what are we going to do about these men we love?"  Calleigh asked.

"I don't know there is no evidence to any solution." Sara said folding her arms.

"The clock is ticking.  There can be no mistakes.  We can't let these loves disappear without a trace."  The opening to a TV show filled the diner.  "I hate it when that happens."

"Well I did find one thing on the internet that might be a solution- a self help group for something called ships."  Calleigh produced a web address.

"Why do we care about ships, no one's drowned on a boat have they?"  Sara's eyes lit up.

"Ships is short for relationships, girl" Calleigh shook her head wondering how the woman ever made it through Harvard.  "It's hosted by some ZenAndi person."

Meanwhile…

A few tables over… "I don't think they have spotted us. I don't think they have spotted us."  The red haired man said.

"Well you stop repeating very damn thing you say!" The dark haired man who was growing his hair freakishly long said.

"Huh? Did I miss something?"  The last man with curly hair raised his head.

"No go back to studying the ant on the floor," the dark haired man sighed.

"They are leaving. Leaving."

"I wonder what they were talking about," the dark-haired man couldn't stop staring as the blond trench coated woman walked out the door.

"Sorry about the ant, but it was a fine specimen," the curly haired man pushed back his glasses, "so where were we?"

"What to do, what to do about the woman we love but don't have the um…you know to admit we do."

"Thank you for keeping it G rated."  The dark haired man rubbed his face.  He was never going to lunch again with men who frequented the Desperately in Love But Don't Know What To Do Boards.


End file.
